Family

Family Dynamics

Everyone’s family dynamic and upbringing is different; leading to varied relational experiences. Some of us are extremely close and do all sorts of family activities with parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, and in-laws. Others of us, for whatever reason are just not close with immediate family or distant relatives. And still others have no family! I am not writing a treatise on family dynamics here, but I have connected with siblings and close relatives more than ever later here in life; now on my road in retirement with Parkinson’s (PD). Maybe retirement is designed as a great opportunity to “re-engage” with family.

The Bible and Families

I assume that most planned family gatherings are like ours, never a dull moment with tons of loquacious banter and storytelling. The bible records many genuine family discussions. Here are a few that come to mind, some often very descriptive and honest: 

• “Where is Abel your brother?”  “How should I know, am I my brother’s keeper!?” A conversation between God and Abel in Genesis 4.
• “Ah sorry Esau, but your younger brother Jacob came deceitfully and stole away your family inheritance.” Isaac to his oldest son Esau in Genesis 27.
• "Ah, sorry Jacob, but your older brother Esau is consoling himself in his anger because you stole his inheritance. And oh, by the way, he’s planning to kill you.” Rebekah, wife of Isaac to her younger son Jacob in Genesis 27.
• “Are these all of your sons? Are there any others?”  “Yes, there’s one, but he’s just a foolish young boy, out tending the sheep.”  “Bring him here. He is to be the first King of Israel because man looks at the outward, but God looks at the heart.” The prophet Samuel speaking to Jesse the father of future King David in 1 Samuel 16.
• “What will be done for the man who kills Goliath?”  “What are you doing on this battlefield and who is tending the sheep you wicked insolent child!”  “Ah . . . what? It was just a question!” A terse family conversation between David the young shepherd song writer and his older brother Eliab the warrior in 1 Samuel 17.

Familial Connections 

I am not sure why it took me so long to realize the importance of all my family, perhaps it’s just old age. But family bonds and the faithfulness oozing among all of us are strikingly important to me. Tenacious family bonds seem to be rooted in our blood or chromosomes somehow, creating an “all-through life” connection. Chris and I foster parented for five years when our boys were young. No matter how compassionately thorough I was as a parental figure, exuding love, care, gentle discipline, and support, all of the children in my temporary care would zoom back to a parent in an instant. It didn’t matter if that parent, family, or environment had heaped all sorts of neglect, abuse, and unsafe situations on that child, they would always give their abusive parent an instant relational pass and an infinite number of second chances. It’s a "family thing" the experts would tell us.

Your Brother's Blood 

I'm not naive to think all family situations are healthy. For many of us, bonds were broken by hurtful and wicked actions or words, and meaningful healthy connection may never be possible. I’m reminded of relational strain of God's own early creation where a family murder occurs. Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of jealous anger and God confronts Cain saying essentially and I paraphrase mightily, “Really, you think this can go unnoticed! You are connected to family, and your brother’s blood is crying out to me from the ground (Genesis 4:10).” Family blood is not silent and continually reminds us of connection while God's Spirit provides unlimited grace. The aim of this blog is on the positive side of family connections.

Bidirectional Faithfulness

I have a sign at my front door that describes some of my feelings concerning my last two blog posts: family and friends. It reads “Home is where my heart is,” with the words “home” and “heart” printed over outlines of North Dakota and Wisconsin, respectively. I’ve grown to love this place that I once decried, “Where are you taking me?” And I love all my current friends dearly wherever I am living, but there’s a special place of bidirectional faithfulness that flows constantly from birth, between me and family, none of whom live in Nokak. It’s not unusual that family relationships are the ones most under duress for many of us, because to an evil perpetrator they are often the most vital and consequential. We are somehow specially connected to family as I witnessed through a recent reunion.

Reunion Eruption

We 've had impromptu mini-family reunions in the past, but something stirred in a few of us cousins over the last few weeks and suddenly, the middle of May rose from fellow family member’s medical appointment clogged calendars like Mount Paricutín. This odd reference is Chris’ addition. He's the typist so I have to include it; sort of as payment. Paricutín popped out of a flat farmers field in Central Mexico in 1943, no joke, and grew to a 9000-foot mountain within weeks (geology trivia). I had a military-like strategic mission to engage family. Several of us are battling various diseases and maladies and so the timing was expedient; if for no other reason than to lend faithful family support. My sister in Hudson, a teacher once herself, offered her home and we abused that “hall-pass” profusely. Like squatters we unashamedly hung out at her place even while she and husband carried on with appointments, grandchild birthday parties, etc. She didn’t mind and we loved the home and the full refrigerator, in contrast to hotel lobby furniture and empty “minifridges.” It’s family.

Six-Day Gala

The great reunion was a modest gathering of mostly retired age children of the three matriarchs Rita (my mom), Shirley, and Karen; the only children of my grandpa and grandma Cullen. What started as a simple gathering at my sister’s place in Hudson, Wisconsin morphed into a spectacular six-day gala across several counties. We added several nieces and nephews and their children and food events to the itinerary and carved out visits to one of my siblings living an hour away who has proclaimed war on an aggressive form of cancer. Of course we couldn’t all attend everything on the itinerary, but personally I enjoyed a tour of my niece’s art display at a nearby art college in Minneapolis, a visit to the wheelchair van dealership in Eau Claire, a tour of a couple homes, and a rock concert lead by my son in Northeast Minneapolis. Tagging along through all these gatherings of the family lineage were a bunch of in-law spouses; plus, Chris, the only outlaw.

Food and Fellowship

One can never plan, execute and recount a family reunion without a gigantic focus on food. My sister had the food built into the itinerary like concrete in the walls of Fort Knox. The reunion was a success complete with several meals prepared by my sister, meals under sun-soaked restaurant umbrellas, and foods brought by family members from foreign lands like North Dakota chippers and Racine (WI) kringle. Somehow, Chris and I also sandwiched all-day blueberry pancakes in Altoona and a prime rib dinner topped off with a Brandy Alexander at a "real" supper club in River Falls. Missing to all our chagrin was the usual poppyseed coffee cake from Independence (WI). And although not a food group, my dear aunt Karen, the remaining of the three sisters was missing due to a cold but represented well by a son. 

Next Time

Reunions of kin are sometimes overblown, methodical, too organized and periodic, or can simply become overburdening. That doesn’t seem to be the case with our most recent get-togethers, maybe due to tighter bonds between a small brood of three sisters (our mothers). We all are hopeful for a “next time” as we age and fight various potholes and hazards on our retirement roads. My youngest brother is battling a serious cancer, two of us have PD, there’s gene-related arthritis in many of us, and my oldest brother still golfs but is essentially the Six-Million-Dollar Man . . . "We can rebuild you." Whatever the case, we all hope for a next time!

Hope Abounds

Hope abounds for that next time; an important incentive that implies we will all still be physically able to gather! I'm fairly certain we will convene another meeting to continue discussing world-impacting facts and issues including never heard or related historical family folklore and outright family fiction. Plus, some family members are still investigating various renditions of what really happened when my teenage brother and I managed to get the car I was driving hung up on a roadside light pole guywire in Racine. Looking back, we laughed, we reminisced, we prayed and thanked God, and we drew strength from that blood-born faithfulness. For me personally, it was a lot of in and out of my non-ADA compliant Ford Edge, with many different family hands lovingly steering, lifting, pushing and pulling me around Western Wisconsin and Eastern Minnesota. That’s what family does and I can’t wait to do it again.