Eileenisms

    Disabled. In all my years of life, I never gave much thought to that word. I mean, I knew people who struggled physically but never envisioned it for myself. I saw how people interacted with the disabled, but I had no prescient as to that lifestyle being in my future.

    My mind is filled with idea of being disabled because according to Social Security I am officially labeled as disabled. It was with mixed emotions that I received the verdict via a phone notification. The little communication tool brought me a communique that rattled my view of myself. On the one hand, it was good news  that I had been deemed disabled by Social Security. Yet it was bad news I heard that day as well. I had learned early on in this process that sixty-five percent of disability applicants are initially denied. Yet here I was, one of thirty-five percent. Whoopie! Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.

    I am thankful having the label and the monetary assistance offered by Social Security. At the same time, I mourn my former lifestyle. I am pursuing an operation related to Parkinson's for which I must qualify. What do I hope to gain from the surgery? Honestly, I want my life back. I want to go for a walk around the block.  I want to go shopping by myself. I want to bake my own Christmas cookies. This procedure provides a glimmer of hope for all that.

    All that to say, I greatly appreciate the people who have assisted me in the past. Without the aid of my friends and strangers, I'd be stuck.

    Even without the designation, people treat me differently. My hearing is fine, so there's no need to speak loudly. Cognitively, there are no issues with me, so there's no need to talk to me like I've lost my faculties. My vocabulary is intact and I understand multi-syllabic words.

    I may be labeled "disabled," and on the outside I am. But on the inside, I'm regular Eileen. Sometimes it's just hard for me to talk or talk loud, but believe me the trademark "Eileenisms" of sarcasm, wit, and creative ideas are still there, albeit locked inside me.

    So I ask for your patience in interacting with me. Don't be scared off by my demeanor or maybe lack of conversation. I am listening and grateful to be included. Be assured the regular Eileen is there enjoying our connection. With people like me, look hard and listen. The normal person you always knew is living on the inside.