My Reality

         *Disclaimer--This post may seem like a Negative Nellie post, but it' s not. I promise. This is my reality.

    I'm trapped in my body. I have functioning limbs, somewhat, but I'm trapped nonetheless.Sometimes I'll go for a drive and just people watch. My eyes seek out and drink in the movements of others. It's my elixir. I can sit for hours and watch the majesty with which people move. The beauty. The grace. The effortlessness. Then I come home to reality and look at my body. My herky-jerky movements are anything but effortless. I long to run through a field again, with the breeze kissing my cheeks, providing a temporary relief from the waning summer sun. But that isn't my reality.

    Instead, my new normal consists of me frenetically trying to balance myself as I walk precariously with my cane. Or better yet, it's riding around in my scooter because the terrain is too formidable or the distance is too great or I'll risk a fall. 

    Even my classes at the Y are too advanced for me. I go to class and listen as the instructor shouts out simple movements that are too difficult for me. So I watch, instead, as the class complies with the called commands while I struggle to move my foot. By the time I've coaxed my foot to move, it's onto something new.

   That's my new reality. I'm trapped by my body, and I hate it. I hate not being able to walk by myself.  I hate that my husband worries about me all the time, wondering if the next phone call he receives will be to inform him of some new quandary I've gotten myself into. I hate that our travel plans have to be amended by me and my limitations. I hate that I freeze when I try to move, causing my husband to lose patience with me, I hate that I hold up friends and am always making them wait for me. 

    I hate not having freedom. I hate having Parkinson's.

    I'm trapped in my body by my body and it sucks, But that is my new reality,

Comments

  1. Chris ZSeptember 1, 2022 at 5:34 PM

    You are a gift Eileen. A gift.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 3sistersSeptember 2, 2022 at 3:44 PM

    Thank you for drawing open the curtain to reveal the raw truth of your reality. We all need to hear what it is really like to live on a daily basis with a disability that leaves you feeling trapped inside your body. All the time, 24-7. What it's like to have to be so dependent on others. All the time, 24-7. It's important for all of us to gain appreciation for our own health & mobility as well as to grow in empathy and sensitivity for those who no longer have it. That's what this blog is doing. Teaching us.So thank you for that.

    ReplyDelete

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